I'm back, embracing your harsh, poorly coded silicon bosom.
Am much better now, illness behind me. Built me a new computer and got decent internet access once more. Still, it feels like I've nothing done in the past four weeks. Which to be honest, in any real practical terms I don't.

So to counter that fact I've decided to do a recipie guide, well a recipie in actuallity. Singular.

Battered Drunk Chilli Tiger Prawns

1.Go to local large supermarket and find the seafood section. Locate a nice pack of Tiger Prawns or whichever variety you prefer (I prefer those as they're much meatier and don't have that terrible concentrated fish flavour of processes frozen prawns). Make sure they're not frozen, just pre-cooked & chilled. Means you can't make a balls out of cooking them.

2. Grab a pack of oriental noodles. (I prefer medium size)

3. Also liberate one small jar of sweet and sour sauce of your preference.

4. Get 1 onion, 1 chilli (I grow my own),1 small bottle of cola, 2 peppers(different colours), 3 Mushrooms & when you get home have 4 swigs of whiskey.

5.Take another swig of whiskey and bash around your presses and cupboards for a clove of garlic and some regular flour.

6. Using both hands and with a wide stable base, pour some olive oil into a pan.

7. Clean up mess after missing pan entirely and try again.

8. Swig another gulp of whiskey in celebration of hitting the target this time.

9. Chop up half the onion, half of each pepper, the mushrooms and the chilli.

10. Swig some whiskey to celebrate not chopping one of your fingers off.

10b. If you have chopped one of your fingers off, stop cooking, it'll only taste bad. Swig some whiskey to dull the pain, pour the rest over your bloody stump and attempt to call an ambulance. Then pass out on the floor.

11. Turn on the pan and cook the vegetables for about two minutes. The mushrooms will tell you when it's all done, they'll have softened up. If they're turning orange or charred, then your heat is too high.

12. Swig a shot of whiskey in a toast to the marvellous mushroom, the most useful fungus around. Not like that stuff that seems to grow in your washing basket. Ungrateful sponging spores that give nothing back! They don't even taste good! Fucking taking the piss that stuff is...hey ever notice how full of shit Dr. Phil is?!

13. Crush the clove of garlic and throw it into the mix. This will make it taste better and protect your pan from vampires. If you dont have a new fangled crusher device that resembles some medieval torture instrument, then chop it up very finely so the garlic practically dissolves in the pan.

(If you've managed to chop off a finger, see step 10b.)

14. Stir it round for thirty seconds and then take it off the heat and let sit.

15. Swig the last of your whiskey and wonder where it all went to. Come to the conclusion it was vampires and smear the remains of your crushed garlic all over your 'emergency' bottle of whiskey. That'll show 'em.

16. Take out a bowl, your flour (non self raising is better) and your bottle of coke. If you're seeing two of each of these then it's the Coriolis Effect and not in any way related to that reek of cheap liquour that you can smell. Curse the spinning of the earth and choose one of each of the objects. If you miss, try the other one.

17. Put in three large tablespoons of flour and add some of the cola slowly. Stir around until it's a frothy thick batter. If it's runny, then you've too much cola in it, put in some more flour and stir again. The cola is there to create a fluffy batter and also for taste. Add a small pinch of salt. Throw the rest of the salt you spilled over your shoulder, into that yogurt that's on the table, thus ensuring an interesting evening for anyone who eats it.

18. Crack open the emergency whiskey and curse the fact it has a tamper proof top installed.

19. Smash neck of bottle against the wall and try to lap up what spilt on the floor, studiously avoiding any glass shards or spiders.

20. Realise that infact the bottle top was a regular one, you were just twisting the wrong way. Come to the zen philosphy of 'fuck it' and move on.

21. Wander into the living room and watch 17 minutes of the Simpsons before you remember that you were supposed to be cooking yourself dinner.

22. Plug in a deep fat frier if you have one. If like me you don't, then get a wok or deep pan and four some vegetable oil in it. Just enough to cover a prawn. Be careful the oil won't spill onto the cooker. This would be bad.

23. Once the oil is hot, dip a prawn into the batter and quickly place it in the pan. Turning almost immediately. If the batter turns immediately brown, the oil is too hot. Turn down the pan. If it turns light brown over about fifteen seconds then it's perfect.

24. Toast a shot of whiskey to the local fire bridage, who are big fans of good food. They always seem to show up whenever I end up cooking. Usually towards the end or the point where I lose my eyebrows. They must be able to smell it or something.

25. Repeat with the other prawns, the batter should be thick enough to cover each one.

26. Set them aside on some kitchen paper to drain the oil and return to your vegetables.

27. I use straight to wok noodles, but if you have ones that need to cooked first, then do that. This usually involves the liberal application of boiling water. (You can boil water by placing a pot on top of a high pressure volcanic vent for thirty seconds, if you don't have a high pressure volcanic vent handy, use a kettle)

28. Add the noodles to the vegetables and stir over a small heat. Add the sweet & sour sauce to taste.

29. Swig an extra large amount of whiskey for getting to step twenty nine without losing any extremities or setting the kitchen of fire. If you have done either, swig an extra large amount of whiskey to console yourself of this fact.

30. Place the noodle mix onto a warm plate and add the battered prawns on top. Don't worry if there looks like there's too many, in reality there is only one plate and about three times less prawns than there appears. The Coriolis Effect once again.

31. Enjoy watching another episode of the Simpsons and a nice drink (you can use the rest of the coke as a handy mixer).

Using this guide you should have a decent meal, something the nurse will probably say to you when she's adminstering the stomach pump later on in the course of things.
This will no doubt impress her and she'll want to have sex with you. Decline as you have sworn an oath to only use your ninja-esque cookery skills for good.