Oh the unending darkness, the blackness, the cold cold absence of light itself. Glum, gloomy existance, oh how I wallow in the realms of the pitch black e...no wait....
Hang on.
...
The lights just blown and I fell asleep is all.

The harsh light from my computer screen being my only light source kinda sent me into a goth poetry spiral there, apologies.

*runs out to get a bulb*

(23 minutes later)

Got one...
But I had to murder a man to get it.
Well when I say murder, it was really just more of a glowering withering look that destroyed the very core of his black frozen carbonite soul...and some gentle 'persuasion' with a blunt object. I suspect it (his soul) had some encounter with Jabba the Hut and came off the worse...that or he had too much Pizza the Hut and it crusted over with scaly cholesterol and garlic dip.
Plus, I'm pretty sure the guy has to die for it to be murder and he was alive, I think. I didn't really check.
I went to buy this lightbulb in the 24 hour supermarket down the road. Got to the till and this swirling mass of pointlessness, daubed with aftershave that smelt like bleach and windex, eyeliner encrusted eyes,dyed matte black floppy fringe of non conformity, all crammed into a uniform three sizes too big for his anorexic frame, turns to me and asks...."Do you have a value club card?".

"What!!?!??!"

"WHAT?!?!?!?" I scream. How dare you assume I'm the type of person who holds in his possession a "value club card". "How dare you!!!!" I say, realising I now have the pathethic individual gripped my the lapels, my face a millimeter from his. "Do you think I am one of those sheepish masses?! Feasting on saturated fat, oosing from the shriveled bosom of corporate greed?! Fisting snacks into my gaping maw with my right hand, left hand firmly gripping the remote control as I use it to scratch myself in various places while watching inane and repetitive shows involving some unfunny comedian, possibly named 'Raymond'?!?!?!"

I relax my grip, pat down his now crumpled uniform and compose myself.
I glance at his uniform and realise that it had already been crumpled and creased before my intervention.
"Heh heh..." I utter, trying to buy myself time as my mind tries to wrestle my screaming, kicking id back under control and into it's locked little spikey box.

"Listen, morticia, I just want a lightbulb. No special offers, no club cards, no points offers, no vouchers, no saving stamps, no christmas club, no three for two, no 10% off next purchase, no have a nice day, no promotions, no cash back, no call credit or ciggarettes with that, no americanised crap, no europeanised crap, none of that shit.
I. Just. Want. To. Illumintae. My. Room. With. Incandescent. Light.
Here's a lightbulb.
Here's a fiver.
Now make it happen."

He quivers a little, then seems to find some pocket of resolve in himself. Straightens up and says
"Well those are three for two you know".
"Oh, right..."
I look back to the shelf that holds their selection of bulbs, a mangled display of mismatched sizes and prices, instinctively looking for another two of the same.

My mind utters one silent explicative and the brief moment of mental untity allows the darker sides caged off in my mind slip their jailers and run rampant. My grip around the lightbulb tightened and I wondered, not for the first time, if the till monkey knew what glass and tungsten tasted like...and if not, that I should enlighten him of the experience.
All semblance of restraint was almost abandoned, until the some of the more reasonable aspects of what remains of my personality managed to rugby tackle them to the ground, within fingertips of their goal. My grip slackened.
While this little struggle occurred and silence that resulted the wretch grew bolder within his boots...well black converse at least..."what do you need it for anyway?" he asked.

I could hear his mental gears grind and shudder before this utterance, and afterward I swear I heard them shred themselves to pieces while leaking fluid.

"Because" I say...dangerously quiet, scaring even myself, "I'm going to glue it to a stick and have it positioned over my head so that when I get a good idea, everyone will know about it".

To illustrate this point I place the bulb above my head, simulate the light going off with a flourish of my hand and a "bing!" and then repeatidly bludgeon the guy with his own "next customer please" divider stick.

Luckily for him, but not so for humanity, the divider was of poor quality and splintered after a short while. Thank you chinese workmanship.
I counted out the exact change required for the bulb and left it on the counter.
Walking out I wondered why every trip to the local supermarket ended up with me covered in blood and sirens out in the distance.

Anyway, I got home and using the light of my phone I found the light and stuck in the bulb.
It's good to be an illuminated individual like me.